Man, my computer’s a piece of shit. You think you have a bad computer? Seriously? What do you think bad is? You think your computer is bad because mommy and daddy won’t buy you a 3GHZ processor? I’m running 400MHZ in this piece of shit. 400 fucking megahertz. It doesn’t stop there, I got 64MBs of RAM in this piece of shit. The power supply is being held in place with friction tape, and there is no case. Just the chassis. The case was too hard to put on a few years ago, so I threw it out.
The first iteration of my computer was it’s best. A 733MHZ Processor, 256MBs of RAM, and a VooDoo 3? My God, I could run Homeworld (which kicked ass, by the way) at 640×480! It was actually quite nice. Back then, I was taking this thing to LAN parties. It definitely wasn’t beefy, or the best, but damn it, it played Half Life, and Unreal, that’s all that matters. So what if I ran it at 512×384 to avoid any signs of slowdown? It looked like I was shooting bipedal pieces of shit in Unreal, but I don’t care, it ran.
The only graphics card you will ever need.
After running a 733MHZ Proc well into 2002…well, I didn’t do a fucking thing. I kept on tickin’ with Unreal Tournament, because that’s the only First Person Shooter you need. But then, disaster! I don’t know what the fuck happened, but the piece of shit stopped working. Ok. That’s cool. I can buy a new one, right? Fuck. Amazing how you can’t buy things without money, ain’t it? Fucking civilization, holdin’ me back. Anyhoo, I’m a nerd. I have motherboards layin’ around my room. I acted! What did I have to consolidate? A 233MHZ proc. Holy shit. I couldn’t even run WinAmp, all I could run was AIM, and IE. But damn it, it was good enough, it got me through. If I could draw wangs in MSPaint with a 16 color monitor, I’d be content.
LOL WANG!
But I digress. A man can’t run on 233MHZ. There’s porn, and music to be pirated. OCRemixes to be listened to. Once again, I take action! This time I head to the flea market to find myself a new motherboard and processor.
>I bought my motherboard from that very man.
5 dollars and 40 miles later, I have a 900MHZ processor, with motherboard, woo! I can play Unreal again! I should mention I never dropped my VooDoo 3, and probably never will. I’m taking this fucking thing to my grave. Anyway, I take home my new motherboard, and install it. I’ll go off topic here and mention that reformatting a fucking hard drive and installing a new motherboard is a giant pain in the ass. I fucking hate computers. After that headache, I boot it up, hooray! What’s this?! I fucked up the partition and only have 1.2GBs of storage?
1.9GBs
Whatever, I’m lazy and it’ll work. It worked for about four God damn months, before I rediscovered OCRemix, then those 1.2GBs filled up fast. Action had to be taken! I uploaded all my shit to my Yahoo Briefcase account, and reformmated. Once again, I gotta say, don’t reformat HDDs, save yourself the hassle, find another way around it. It’s such a pain in the ass. OH NOES! I reinstall Windows, and apparently my motherboard forgot it had PCI cards. That’s bad, what with my VooDoo 3 needing to be used. I tried fucking everything. In the BIOS and in the hardware manager, nothin’ worked. Not a damn thing. I was fucked. All right. All’s not lost. I say “Hey, Dave! Grab me a new motherboard and processor from where ya work”!
He complies. A few days later, he comes home with a new motherboard, complete with processor, woo! How fast is it, I wonder? Dave has no idea, so I thought I might have gotten a deal here. I plug it in, boot it up…Intel Celeron Processor 400MHZ. GOD DAMN IT! Whatever, I’ve never been one for fast computers. I just want to get by with what I can. I reformat, again, and install a new motherboard, again. I act like this is a pain in the ass, when all these motherboard swaps, and reformats have taken place over the course of seven years. Hooray! It works! I’m runnin’ on 400MHZ and 128MBs of RAM. Shit works. I can run a shitty photo editor, use AIM, Winamp, look at adult media (PORN MOTHERFUCKERS!), and browse that amazing internet. 20GBs of storage means I can…fucking iPods have more space than my HDD. Whatever, I’m happy with this piece of shit. Same case for seven years, and same video card for as long. In the past month I’ve gotten a rewriteable CD drive. Boy, I’m really catchin’ up with modern computer hardware. Also in the past month, my RAM has sadly been cut in half. With one RAM slot dieing, I’m left with 64MBs of RAM. Oh well. Oh yeah, the USB ports don’t work either. Neither does the printer port. And sometimes the PCI cards crap out, so I have to reboot it about a dozen times before it remembers it has a NIC.
Well, after eight years, and two flights out the window, it’s time to say goodbye.
Not really. I can’t afford a new computer. I’m keeping my VooDoo 3. Back the fuck off.
