By Frank Whitecastle
War Journal: Entry 769446
It's four in the morning, and I just finished reading Shade the Changing Man. Amazing series, everyone should give it a read. But I'm not here to review Shade the Changing Man, as much as I would like to. Rather, I'm here to face down a demon, something that I've been avoiding for too long. Something that needs to be punished.
The Punisher Meets Archie. Some consider it a right of passage for internet reviewers. That you haven't become a true Internet Superstar until you take in the madness and let the world view it through your lens. It's old and well-worn territory, but like an aging prostitute it still has more than its share of tricks.
Our comic opens with letters from those responsible, claming that they know just how absurd the abomination they've released upon the world is. Then, we're in what appears to be a typical Punisher comic, with a criminal type running from Frank's onslaught of bullets. But what's this? Why, he looks exactly like...
RON HOWARD?!?
The crook jumps a bus to Riverdale. Cut to what appears to be Archie in the sights of The Punisher. Like a sixteen year old girl's after-prom evening, this comic is gonna end fast and bloody.
But it turns out that we've been duped. Archie was just getting drenched by some annoying-shit kid. I'm sure he's an actual Archie comics character, but as I'm not mentally handicapped nor someones grandfather I have no idea. Archie then decides to get back at the kid by drenching him with a hose, and ends up soaking Veronica, his date for the evening.
Probably not the first time Archie has sprayed her in the face.
On a side note, how does a gormless redheaded fuckwit like Archie get so many women, anyway. If it's not Veronica, it's that blond chick. Hell, lucky bastard probably gets with both of them at the same time on a regular basis.
Nothing's taboo in the depraved wasteland that is Riverdale.
Smash cut again (why do I have the feeling that's gonna be happening a lot?) to The Punisher threatening some greasy...comic shop owner? He tips off Frank that Evil Archie is in Riverdale. Frank and Micro speed off in Riverdale's general direction, which may be a few days drive depending upon where Riverdale actually is.
Meanwhile, Veronica gets acquainted with Evil Arch, who immediately starts giving her the rapestare. But Veronica is oblivious to the raw animal musk eminating from his body, as she devises a plan to use a dance to make the real Archie jealous. Overjoyed, she proceeds to get her Chun-Li on in celebration.
"I'm the strongest woman in the world."
The Punisher and Microchip arrive in Riverdale, enamored with the town's rustic charm. After a failed attempt by Micro to come onto Frank, they happen upon the very diner that Archie and Jughead are using to deal with the munchies.
I'll give you three guesses as to what the "S" means.
Archie and Jughead get picked up by two Dick Tracy clones as Evil Archie arrives at the dance. And then the comic has its moneyshot.
I could stop reviewing this fucking comic right now. These two panels are really all you need. This is like some crazy asshole on Deviantart actually managed to get his crossover artwork published. Everything else is just a post-coital cigarrette. However, that wouldn't be doing the comic justice vengeance PUNISHMENT.
Back to the dance. Josie and the Pussycats are playing, and Evil Archie is trying to Josie Veronica's Pussycat, ifyaknowwhaddimean. Shaggy here recognizes Evil Arch, and thinks he can net himself some cash for telling "certain people".
Frank is still looming over Archie like Batman over Everyone Ever. Lucky for Archie, Frank hasn't succumed to the virulent strain of glaucoma that is apparently afflicting the residents of Riverdale, and immediately recognizes that Archie isn't the droids he's looking for.
The Punisher gets into a gunfight with Generic Gangsters No. 2 and 3, and Archie and Jughead escape via a conveniently placed warp pipe. Ol' Arch goes to the police for help, but the officers won't belive his story.
And with good reason.
Cut to the Punisher listening to the gangsters hotboxing. Gotta love the completey schizophrenic art shifts. I would accuse the artist(s) of not even trying, but it somehow works to the comic's benefit. The Punisher knocks out a few cops, and then speeds off to the dance.
Archie gets all the bitches. Also, I get the feeling Jughead and Jew share a lot in common.
Frank arrives just as Evil Arch tries to get his rape on, and is somehow mistaken for a PE coach and not a heavily armed psychopath.
The Punisher also gets all the bitches.
Things continue to heat up with Evil Archie and Veronica, until...
OK, we've just left-turned into "A very special episode of Archie" territory.
Nobody notices the ARMED FUCKING GUNMAN kidnap the daughter of one of the town's most prominent citizens in the middle of a crowd of people, but luckily The Punisher is there to make a scene no one could miss. Frank gets into a gunbattle with the random gangsters, who have disguised themselves as waiters. He manages to save Archie's ass yet again, and we're treated to this scene:
This comic is self-aware, isn't it.
Everyone shits their collective pants. Cut to Archie, who has seriously started a war journal of his own.
I wish I were making that up.
Archie offers to buy Frank a strawberry frappe because they're total legit buds now. The Punisher gives him a look like Archie just sexually prepositioned his grandmother, and Nana Castle isn't that kind of girl. Also, the Punisher is apparently working for the FBI for an extremely contrived and retarded reason that goes against the core of his character. Anyway, a ransom tape arrives from Evil Archie, and our redheaded fuckwit protagonist is able to figure out where they are by Veronica's apparently anachronistic choice of words.
Maybe because YOU'RE IN A FUCKING ARCHIE COMIC.
Cut to the warehouse where Evil Archie is holding Veronica, and monologuing his ass off like Hannibal Lecter on speed.
Go ahead, call the cops. They can't un-rape you.
The Punisher confronts Evil Archie, and hijinks ensue. Evil Arch gets his wig knocked off, revealing that he's actually Lex Luthor.
Lex gets tied up and floats away on a balloon, presumably to get picked up by the feds. Meanwhile, The Punisher prepares to get down Archie-style.
I wonder why he wants to stay so badly.
Frank gets himself a bitchin' jacket, and our comic draws to a close.
Too much ridiculous shit to point out.
Well, that's it for The Punisher Meets Archie, and that's it for Punisher Week. Was it any good? Hell, it was probably the best Punisher comic I've read all week. It's definitely unique, it has a good brand of self-aware humor, and the art is more than adequate. Everyone should give it a read.
It's no Shade the Changing Man, though.
